The Church of the Eternal Bleacher # 4: Popcorn, Peanuts and Cold Lemonade

The Church of the Eternal Bleacher
All Southpaws Welcome
Popcorn, Peanuts and Cold Lemonade

Welcome to the Church of the Eternal Bleacher, in the name of Timmy, Buster and Nate the Great, now and forever, you’re safe.  Today, we have scheduled a popcorn, peanuts and cold lemonade social, for the purpose of conducting a prayer service for our struggling Orange and Black.

Included will be the opportunity for the younger set to seek guidance from the elders as to how to handle the trials and tribulations of  one hundred and sixty-two religious services required per season.  Some of the young deacons, such as Jonathon and Barry, have had to seek treatment, because the flesh is weak and the soul cannot compensate for a sprained ankle, or tendonitis of the shoulder.

The rest hammer onward, shouldering the penance thrust upon them by the absence of Buster and Freddy, current martyrs in the Church hierarchy, until such time as they are re-established in the front ranks of our church.  Others have crossed the threshold of physical weakness temporarily, but have rejoined our crusade to recapture the chalice of salvation, the coveted National League Pennant, en route to the Holy Grail itself, the World Championship.

Now that we are assembled, let us pray:

To all of the Willies, Mays, McCovey, Davis, Stargell, and Brian (aka Wilson/Willie), we bid you welcome, and may you look upon our gathering from the press-box of life above, as we attempt to get a glove on some heavy issues, namely, What in tarnation is going on with the G-men?

Let me say unto you all, that I understand your confusion and your concern.  However, we must not be afraid to search our souls from within, to examine if we are completely embracing all of the concepts of our church.  First and foremost, are we having fun, and are we seeing new things every game, that we have never seen before?  Pete?

“Yeah, we’re seeing things we never saw before. Timmy gave up three homers last night for the first time in his career.  That’s what I’m seeing.”

  “Yes, you are, aren’t you?  Is there a question hiding in there?  

“Yeah.  What’s up with Timmy?”

“My, your whole approach sounds dangerously close to violating our commandment about whining.  Can you possibly rephrase that, after the briefest of conversations with one of our attendants, so as to put a little more balanced spin on it?  While they do that, let’s hear another question from Carl.”

“We saw Keppinger knock in the winning runs two games in a row.  Does that count for chemistry?”

“Now, that’s what I’m saying/talkin’ about, Carl.  That’s exactly the kind of got-your-teammates-back approach that the G-Men need to rekindle.  Gaylord?”

“Hey, I saw the Baby Giraffe hit those two home runs in the same game.  That sure never happened before.  Do you think Sabes will give him more playing time?”

“Check it out.  That isn’t Aaron Rowand in left field these days.  Look at the Row’s stats for August.  He’s struggling and it might be more about that article in which he seemed to dis on SF, than he would like to admit.  Belt needs the opportunity to belt (sorry) a few more out of the park.  Ready, Pete?”

“I think so.  OK.  Even though Timmy has had the best post-All-Star stats of all (1.18 ERA), he gave up three home runs in last night’s game, and I think I know the answer to my own question, already.  Every pitcher has a rough game now and again.  Just ask Madbum, who set a record by allowing eight runs in a game before recording an out, but has been consistently excellent the rest of the way.”

“A tip of the Humm-Baby’s cap to you, Pete.  Nice way to make up for that earlier error.  Frank?”

“I don’t want to sound pessimistic, here-”

“Great.  Then don’t.  Next question?  Okay, Frank, try again?”

“Well, how can I put this?  We are now five games back.  I know that we were six back a year ago, so...”

“What’s wrong with just hanging on to that thought?”

“Cause this year we going backwards instead of forwards?”

“Is the season over yet?  Are we mathematically eliminated?  Look, don’t hide your head in the sand; it might get stuck in the cement.  But don’t assume that the Diamondbacks have enough of what it takes to go the distance.  They still have to prove it, just as the Padres had to prove it last year.  There’s a big series coming up this weekend, and it will tell us a lot.  Let’s hope it’s speaking our language, in the name of Timmy, Buster and Nate the Great, now and forever, you’re safe.  Would you like butter on your popcorn?”