The Church of the Eternal Bleacher # 3: The Ten Commandments or Everyone Knows It

The Church of the Eternal Bleacher,
All Southpaws Welcome
The Ten Commandments
or
Everyone Knows It

“Welcome to the Church of the Eternal Bleacher, in the name of Timmy, Buster and Nate the Great, now and forever, you’re safe.  We are gathered this morning for rudimentary instruction in the catechism of our church.  Today’s dialogue involves the fundamentals of the C.E.B.  These are our ten commandments:  All commandments are equal under the auspices of the CEB.  As we review these basic principles, be sure and ask questions if you think of any.  

*** Quitting is for quitters, not for baseball players.  Avoid it at all costs. (That includes running out grounders and pop flies.)

“I see a hand; Willie?”

“Yeah.  What’s wrong with quitting?  My dad quit smoking.”

“Is smoking a good thing?”

“No.”

“Is baseball a good thing?”

“Yeah.”

“Then why would you quit a good thing?  And sometimes it might not be clear whether it’s good or bad, like a tough job.  You still don’t quit.  You make adjustments and keep your cleats in the mix until a different option opens up.”

*** All teams suffer injuries-deal with it. (Using injuries as an excuse for a poor record is lame.)

“Chili?”

“Yo, what if the injured guy is like Buster?  How can you expect the Giants to repeat without Buster?  So doesn’t it make sense to put the blame where it belongs?”

“What blame would that be?”

“Well, you know, why we’re doing so badly.”

“Why, wouldn’t MLB let the Giants replace Buster with another catcher?  Maybe Eli?  Chris? Those guys are major league catchers, and no one player is so important that he can’t be replaced.”

*** Pick up your teammates. (Chemistry needs a catalyst, and teammates remember those who watch each others’ backs.)

*** Keep in mind: The ump uses the same eyes to call balls and strikes for both teams. (The same goes for on-the-field calls.)

“Sammy?”

“The ump can be so unfair.”

“The ump has to call ‘em the way he sees ‘em.”

“What if he’s wrong?”

“He is wrong sometimes, and it seems unfair.  But standing there with that wounded look on your face isn’t going to change it.  You simply have to put it behind you and not give your opponent any satisfaction.”

*** Whining is for dining, for those over 21, so avoid it at all times.

(Complaining has no place on a diamond-or off of it.)

*** Perform the basics: Hit the cutoff man, and back up the play.

(Listen to your coaches, and more importantly, hear them too.)

“Roger?”

“What if you don’t know where to throw the ball?”

“Before each pitch, you need to look around and see where you have base runners.  You need to figure out what you’re going to do if/when the ball is hit to you.  Then you don’t have to figure it out at the last second.  If you’re not sure, holler out to your teammate and ask.  That’s what the picking up your teammate is all about.  Tell those around you there are two out, and the play is at first.  Keep everyone on his toes.”

*** Protect the plate-swinging at a third strike is hella better than looking at it. (Is there anything worse than a called third strike?)

“Wally?”

“What if you end up swinging at a ball?

“”You probably will, at times, but no one here is Barry Bonds.”

“What’s that mean?”

“Bonds had a great eye, and knew the strike zone as well as any, but different umps see the zone differently.  That’s one of the things about baseball that a lot of people like: nothing is automatic; you have to play it out.”

“Why don’t they use an electronic eye to call balls and strikes? Then there wouldn’t be any mistakes.”

“Sure, Wally, and then we’ll get robots to play instead of people, and there won’t be any mistakes at all.”

“Oh.  I get it.”

“It’s about one group competing with another, and how they work together to make it happen.  Baseball is a team sport, and needs all nine players on the field to function properly.

*** Practice good sportsmanship at all times, on and off the field.

You find good sportsmanship on all levels of baseball.

*** Communicate on the field-loudly. (Bellow to let your fellow fielders know that you have the best shot at the pop-up.)

*** Respect for one another and the game is big. ‘Nuff said.

“What if someone on the other team disses on you, and you feel like a chump, and you want to punch his lights out?  He was disrespectful first.”

“Yeah, and everyone knows it.  You might feel like a chump, but he is one, and everyone knows it.  Everyone deserves respect, and the baseball diamond is the great equalizer.  In the name of Timmy, Buster and Nate the Great, now and forever, you're safe.  OK, everyone, time for a hot dog break.  Last one to the mustard jar gets hung out to dry.”