"Order in the Court!"

Within the following sordid court documents, resides the tawdry details of a dispute between two residents of HappyDay Farms, sweet Ellie Mae, the Rescue Dog (in the white hat) and [deleted] Crips the Cat, heretofore NOT to be referred to as Prince of Darkness, Demon from Hell, or any other pejorative term that might sound prejudicial to the jury, (in the black hat).

“Order in the court!” Sylvia the chicken banged her gavel imperiously-though fruitlessly-her precarious perch on a shovel handle, belying the seriousness of the situation. The directive was being aimed at the plaintiff, Mr. Crips the Cat, and the defendant, Ellie Mae, who were bickering from across the courtroom like two siblings.

Mr. Crips, on a good day

The order was also directed at Hildegard, whose egg song battered away at everyone’s patience, like a jackhammer in July.

Though perhaps not the most astute of farm denizens, I’ll grant you, Sylvia achieved her judgeship on the basis of her longevity here on-farm: nine years come April. Not only that, but from her vantage point, centrally located out in the farmyard, she is in an excellent position to evaluate whether the lawsuit, brought on by Crips, had any merit whatsoever.

I mean, let’s face it, Crips is a cat, a Siamese Cat at that, but the jury will be instructed that this is emphatically NOT to be held against him, which should tell you something right there. I’m not suggesting that cats are devious or evil, especially not Siamese cats, despite what some evidence seems to indicate, but I am suggesting that since the shoe apparently fits, lacing it up ought to be a slam-dunk.

Boorish behavior? Hummmmph. The very idea.

This court case will be used as a measuring device, to see if the shoe does, indeed, fit. In his complaint, Crips maintains that Ellie Mae, our perky rescue dog from the Inland Mendocino County Humane Society, has behaved inappropriately, unacceptably and even downright boorishly, since her arrival last November.

Mr. Crips has filed a restraining order against Ellie Mae for “habitual harassment, including but not limited to: accosting, assaulting, lunging at, blindsiding of, jumping at, bushwhacking, chasing, invading [of personal space], storming toward, assailing, and in general of being/behaving like an uncivilized and frequently savage lout.”

Mr. Badger

Crips is seeking a permanent restraining order, and damages amounting to a lifetime supply of catnip, and has agreed to allow Sylvia to be the judge. Between you and me, I think Crips’s plan relies heavily on the fact that Sylvia, an avowed chicken, has also been accosted, assaulted, lunged at, blindsided, jumped at, bushwhacked, chased, had her space invaded, stormed, assailed, and been subjected to boorish behavior by the defendant. 

The decision, however, will be rendered by a panel of three impartial critters, those not a part of the daily fabric of HappyDay Farms. We have a red-tailed hawk, who sees everything that goes on in the great outdoors; we have a mouse because mice go everywhere (unfortunately) and see everything; finally, we have a badger, guaranteeing impartiality. The badger hates everyone, but he hates them in a nonjudgmental way, equally.

The red-tailed hawk: sees all

Though there is not an aggressive bone in her body, Ellie Mae has determined that an aggressive judicial stance might serve her better than her pointer stance. The judge is, after all, a chicken and might not find the pointer stance amusing, in light of certain recent events, which shall heretofore go unmentioned, but which might have dire implications if you…

[Editor’s Note: Move along, please…]

Fine. Ellie Mae has therefore filed a countersuit, alleging that Crips is a manipulative [deleted], whose behavior includes, but is not limited to: fraud, deception, subterfuge, duplicity, underhandedness, deceit and even chicanery, at times, with some hoodwinking tossed in for good measure. 

For damages Ellie Mae is seeking to have Crips outfitted with an ooga. horn.

Surprisingly, Crips was unable to retain counsel, due to a reputation which apparently preceded him. Toby the cat was more than happy to perform the job, but was unwilling to either remove his horns or leave his pitchfork at home, and even Crips could see that might pose a problem to his image. Crips will represent himself by default. 

Ellie Mae will be represented by Large Marge, to be addressed as simply Margie, so as not to appear prejudicial in the courtroom. You could fit three Margies into one Emma, any day of the week, but no one refers to Emma as Large Emma.

Margie and Ellie Mae

Opening statements will conclude today’s post, with the trial scheduled to follow immediately, or as the remodeling of my bathroom/laundry room allows…

OPENING STATEMENTS: 

Crips: “As a law-abiding, sensitive, concerned, contributing member of HappyDay Farms, I am appalled and shocked that management has allowed this sorry excuse of a bowser, Ellie Mae, to invade our home. She hounds us, and she dogs our existence, not to mention being a slobbering, panting, lazy, exasperatingly ignorant mutt.”

Pausing long enough to expectorate a prodigious hair-ball, Crips continued,

“This destructive force bestows no known benefits upon the farm, choosing instead to manufacture a web of destructive harm. I will prove that the defendant is a reprehensible slime ball, with no redeeming qualities. Thank you”

Margie: “The defense maintains that Crips is no cat-he is the-oh, sorry, I forgot I couldn’t say that Crips is the Devil-my bad. Nevertheless, we will establish that my client, Sweet Ellie Mae, a paragon of on-farm virtue and loyalty, not only is innocent of the charges, but that it is actually she who is the victim here, in this tawdry affair. Thank you.”

Will the real Mr. Crips please sit down?

It was well-documented that Crips had filed 666 pages of notarized documents, whereas Margie had filed no court documents, whatsoever. Crips had seventeen pages of willing witnesses lined up; Margie had one page with a handful of witnesses. Crips had subpoenas served to seven credible experts; Margie had zero. Testimony was set to begin immediately, but was apt to take some time, due to the convoluted relationship coexisting within the courtroom.

The logistics for having Mr. Badger on hand, alone, would fill a volume of this nature, not to mention a mouse in the same venue as Mr. Crips…

Next: The Trial