Drunk with Power

Patently, this conflict between [Sweet] Ellie Mae, the rescue dog and Mr. Crips, the cat, should have been handled by the mouthpieces, and not through the judicial process. As objectively as is humanely, felinely and caninely possible, let us proceed with the whole shabby affair.

Sylvia

As judge in the Ellie Mae versus Mr. Crips litigation, Sylvia the chicken did her best Judge Judy impression, sans the glasses. Though she was drunk with power, it was quite evident that she had not forgotten the little people who helped her to the top.

This reporter touched upon the fact in the first segment of this tawdry narrative, that Sylvia would have a hard time being impartial toward Ellie Mae, the defendant, due to past indiscretions. The nature of those indiscretions is such, that there is a gag order on any/all reference to the unfortunate incident in question.

In fairness it must be further noted, that similar issues existed between Sylvia the chicken and Mr. Crips, the plaintiff, a registered prowler. The only reason Ellie Mae was guilty of [AHEM!] anything, and Crips was not, is because Crips lacked the physical prowess of Ellie, and was therefore a spectator instead of a player.

Though impartial, of course, Sylvia had equal reason to avoid dark alleys, accompanied by either the plaintiff or the defendant.

Sylvia liked the motto so much,
she ordered a dozen tee-shirts.

Representing himself, Mr. Crips proceeded to call one witness after another, asking the same set of pointed questions. The questions pointed back at Crips as being a model citizen, one who was being unfairly persecuted for being nothing more than a cat.

Little purpose is served by presenting-word for word-the testimony of all those witnesses called forth. Besides, It turned out that though Crips had a prodigious list of those wishing to provide references, they were all, well, other cats. It might be suggested that cats are prone to overlooking what might be considered character flaws, especially in the eyes of a chicken.

Besides, how many times can you listen to a cat swear on “To Kill A Mockingbird,” that she had never seen Mr. Crips attack a creature smaller than him, without ample cause? “Ample cause” from the perspective of the rest of the spectators in the courthouse, meant simply that it moved. 

And those expert witnesses lined up by Mr. Crips? After listening to the testimony of one such “expert,” as he asserted that it WAS possible for a cat to leave behind a lifetime of destructive behavior, Sylvia had to call a ten minute recess to restore order in the courtroom. 

Thus was coined a new phrase to replace an old one: cat-shit crazy, you know, in place of bat-shit crazy.

Ellie Mae’s defense by Margie the dog, was diabolically simple: All Marge did was present one gif of Crips tormenting Ellie Mae, then a statement which included the phrase “taunting, ridiculing, insulting, jeering at, abusing, pestering, annoying, confronting, provoking, vexing, aggravating, browbeating, embarrassing, molesting and badgering the defendant…”

The plaintiff, so deceivingly innocent...

Naturally, when Margie got to the word “badgering,” Mr. Badger had a twonky attack and chaos ensued, after which Mr. Badger was excused from further civic duty in the courtroom. As it later turned out, the tactic by Margie was pre-planned, the resulting chaos fairly predictable.

You see, Mr B was the unknown here, and eliminating him from the picture just clarified matters.

With the jury reduced to Mr. Red-Tail and Mr. Mouse, a verdict was reached immediately. Both jurors agreed that from their personal observations, Ellie Mae was rambunctious and possibly a tad impetuous, but nonetheless, a victim of the devious Mr. Crips.

Furthermore, not only did the jury exonerate Ellie Mae, they imposed sanctions on Crips the cat. No, not the ooga horn that the defendant demanded, but rather a hat, one with a catchy slogan:

After Dogs, I Come First.