I'm Not that kind of Guy

I'm Not that kind of Guy

I am an all-or-nothing kind of guy, going full bore if I am turned on by something or completely rejecting it if I am not. For example I have never ridden a motorcycle, with the exception of a one-time jaunt on the sand alongside the ocean.

I rode about three hundred feet on a Honda-90, if you can even call this a motorcycle. It was more like a bicycle powered by a rubber band.

Where's the rubber band?

I have never owned a weapon in my life, although I did shoot Expert on the M-16 in the army. The nice drill sergeant told us before we began, that those who had never shot a rifle before, would do better than most if we could simply follow instructions. (No bad habits to break)

Though I am a fan of professional sports, except for the San Francisco Giants, I have never been to a professional sporting event. No football, basketball, hockey or soccer games for me.

It goes without saying that there are a number of more dangerous things I have never done, such as bungee-jumping, parachuting, or hang gliding, but the specific examples I am giving, are more likely to be within the realm of most folks.

How about calling in sick? I worked eight years at an auto parts house in San Jose, without ever calling in sick, and then I tacked sixteen years on to that as a teacher in Laytonville. Not calling in sick, does not mean I did not miss time in the classroom; after all, there were conferences, field trips and exploratory visits to other school districts, but these were all planned in advance.

I never made a phone call to the district and told them I was too sick to come into work that day. A fallen oak tree in a snow storm prevented me from coming in one time, bottoming out in the snow another time accomplished the same, and that pesky big rig going down, on the highway right where the Black Oak Ranch is, made it a hat trick. 

Still, I never called in actually too sick to answer the bell.

Moving on, I have never ridden in a helicopter, been on the HammerHead at a carnival (shudder) and I have never been on snow skis, though I did get up on two-never one-water skis a couple of times. 

(Editor’s note: Briefly…) 

I have never been arrested and I have never been in jail, though I did have some thugs storm my castle back in 1985, leaving behind notification that my home and twenty acres were now the property of the United States Government.

Nine months to the day, $17,500 and an excellent lawyer later, it all vanished. *

I have never served on a jury, and now have a permanent dispensation due to the court’s unwillingness to provide for me, adequate facilities in which to take my meds. Bipolar people tend to struggle in confined places.

[Editor’s note: Translated, this means there is no place to grab a quick bong rip.]

I would say I have never been to either Hawaii or Alaska, but the truth is I have stepped foot on both. We flew over the Pole en route to Korea, in June of 1972, stopping in at Alaska to refuel. My new army buddies and I paused in our flight-long game of poker, to pay a visit to the first bar we encountered in the airport, guzzling as much booze as we could in ninety minutes before staggering back onto the plane. 

As for the other, our plane fueled up in Hawaii on the way back to Korea, after my leave in January of 1973, and we met my cousin Therese for an hour or so in the airport lounge. I remember it as quite the surreal experience.

I have never hitch-hiked, outside of the ten weeks I spent on the East Coast, at Fort Dix, in New Jersey. Several weekends, I got out and made serious moves by putting on my dress greens, and sticking out my thumb. I never waited more than five minutes for a ride. **

I could go on, and I guess everyone could compile a similar list, but it seems as though I have more than the usual share of nothings, in the all-or-nothing aspects of life.

On the other hand, I have traveled on forged orders from Korea to California, three days earlier than I should have, because I wanted to get home early and shock the hell out of my family.

I have smoked cannabis while straddling the DMZ (Demilitarized Zone) which divides North and South Korea.

I worked in the construction field for eight years, and I have worked in an auto parts store on the east side of San Jose, donde muchas personas no pueden ablar ingles, (where many people can’t speak English). I had a dude pull out a .357 magnum, and slap it on the counter of that auto parts store…as a joke.

I have been charged by a wild boar.

What is my biggest accomplishment and the one that makes me proudest? That would be having 37 eighth graders in the same classroom for reading, the final year I taught. 

Makes that charging wild boar seem more like a guinea pig. 

* It Came Out of the Sky

** Oh yeah, and that one time when Annie and I were returning from our overnight stay in Ukiah, the day after we were married, and Old Paint’s 40 hp engine decided to blow up on Oil Well Hill. I hitched into Laytonville, and got neighbor Rex to drive me back to where I had left Annie and Baby Casey, sitting in the VW Bus.

Come on, Baby, light my fire...