Dozer, the bulldog

Dozer, the bulldog
Dozer: Spring training is upon us!

Rockin' and rollin'

Rockin' and rollin'
The author of Mark's Work

Coleus flowers

Coleus flowers
Why I grow flowers

HappyDay Farms bees are happy bees.

HappyDay Farms bees are happy bees.
Air-borne bees

HeadSodBuster and BossLady at the coast

HeadSodBuster and BossLady at the coast
Love is the greatest power.

Beauty abounds!

Beauty abounds!
Heinz tomatoes, used for catsup

If you've seen one butterfly, you've seen 'em all, said no one ever.

If you've seen one butterfly,  you've seen 'em all, said no one ever.
Painted Lady

Fall Jewels

Fall Jewels
Praying mantis, attending services on a zinnia...

My souvenir from Reggae on the River, 2017

My souvenir from Reggae on the River, 2017
Something I have always wanted...

Mahlon Masling Blue

Mahlon Masling Blue
My friend and brother.

Mark's E-mail address

bellspringsmark@gmail.com

Monday, May 7, 2012

Head in the Sand


This is the twenty-eighth in a series of episodes, detailing my dawning realization, that I have some mental issues, that I must address, or risk losing those around me, who mean so much to me.  I do not know how many installments this will entail, because I do not have an outline, for this particular avenue, that my Life has chosen to pursue.  Because I have always found writing to be therapeutic, I am going to share my journey with anyone, who cares to read along.   Believe me, I am not having that much fun.
Head in the Sand
JT commented, “Funny.  I keep my head in the sand.  I never pay attention to side effect papers.”  That would describe me also, if I were dealing with medication to lower my blood pressure, or possibly to reduce swelling in my knee.  However, when I consider the term “life-threatening” when describing arbitrary possibilities for side-effects, I lose my objectivity, and devil-may-care attitude real quick like.
Of course, statistically, the odds are even lower than minuscule, but how do you explain that to the sufferer?  “Sorry, old chap, just keep the old chin up, there, what?”  If there are a dozen different mood stabilizers, and the second through twelfth does not include the side-effect that is a life-threatening rash, and all are going to have some sort of side-effects, then why in the world would I go for the first one?  That makes no sense to me.  It makes no sense that medicine that could have that effect is available at all, but hey, who’s talking here?  Anyone with an objective viewpoint?  I don’t think so.
So as always (and I do mean always) Annie was into the research mode, as she found out all of the pertinent details.  The research gives the drug high marks, and Annie found out that “life-threatening” still does not necessarily mean always fatal.  By introducing the medicine incrementally initially, and closely monitoring my body for any unexplained rashes, the assumption is that any difficulties, would be noted and dealt with immediately, as opposed to what may have happened in the test cases, when the patients did not know to be on the lookout for that sort of development.
It just goes to show that catastrophizing, that is, fixating on worst case scenarios, does not pay off.  However, when considering all factors, I do not see as an option, ignoring something of such critical importance, especially when it comes to calming anxiety.  Now I am able to get past the potentially deadly side-effect by recognizing the astronomical odds, plus the fact that there is a plan in effect to contend with the rash, should it materialize.
I mentioned in the most recent episode, that I am now getting much more aware of my moods and the way they shift.  Yesterday marked one of the most benign days in recent memory, with my legs feeling strong enough to go out and weed-eat for an hour (with the rest of me accompanying them), in addition to two walks with Annie.  I mentioned to her how positive I was feeling, a result I was sure of the information she had acquired about the mood-stabilizing drug that Dr. G. would prescribe to me at this juncture in time.  
Then I awoke from a late afternoon nap, a sound sleep of 45 minutes, to an irritable frame of mind that defies explanation.  Annie was preparing a meatless pasta sauce, it had been simmering for hours, dinner was slated for six, we were fifteen minutes away, and my psyche was being rubbed raw by sandpaper, for no apparent reason.  The meal was excellent, and halfway through, I explained what was going on, and that I could not figure out why.  I was trying desperately not to let my fame of mind mar our dinner, but even being quiet, and not trusting myself to speak, did not liven the mood.
Afterwards, I tried to post a piece of writing, but the new blogger format had me in a tizzy.  One “side-effect” of Eric’s tinkering with my technology system, and restoring my email account, is that the rest of my system is royally flubbed up.  I have to enter either my new email address or my old email address to take each and every step now.  I have to include the password, and I mess it up every time.  So I am on the proverbial edge, 24/7.  The scene is enough to drive a normal person to a mood disorder.
So now I feel that the mood chart should be expanded to cover specific characteristics of my illness, such as an AM/PM reading on the irritability level, or my newly assessed issue with nausea.  For the past 18-24 months, these waves of nausea have been gently intruding into my sphere of awareness, first as mere impressions, growing in intensity as time has progressed.  I believe that the fainting spell in the laundry room a few weeks ago is partly attributable to this nausea.  What I did not do is attribute it to mood disorders, which it clearly seems to be.  So now I feel adding this component to the chart is logical.  We are looking for patterns to emerge, which may lead me to be able to link actions with symptoms, or even to be able to predict when difficulties may occur.  
I am good at minutiae. The Virgo in me embraces the intricacies of having to track as many as twenty or more pieces of data, every day.  When it comes to the minuscule details, as trivial as they may appear, I am the Pro from Dover.  Besides, it’s actually entertaining, in a macabre sort of way.  Who is this dude, and where on earth did he come from?  Moreover, what’s it all have to do with me?
I plan to find out, and when I do, I will let you know.

6 comments:

  1. The Virgo who lives in me likes the details too but not when it comes to keeping charts and records. She doesn't do that well. She gets bored.
    It appears as if you have come to terms with the side effects of this new drug - yes? life is complicated and then we try to fix it and it gets even more complicated. Or complicated in a different way.

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  2. I have been following along as you navigate through this process and there have been many times that I have wanted to comment. I hesitate to do so, because I do not have any sort of credentials or experience with (as you refer to it )MSD and therefore do no feel qualified to offer an opinion. But I am curious to know if you have had a complete physical exam. I would assume you have and certainly would expect that your counselor has advised this. Obviously, I realize that is a very personal question and I do not expect a reply.
    On a personal note, because I am grieving over the loss of my son, my MD has offered an antidepressant to me. She was not pushing me in one direction or another, but she wanted to let me know that it was available if my depression started to take over my life. I feel that my "depression" is actually grief, which is normal, no? And my concern is that medication would mask my feelings of sadness, which is not normal, right?
    I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time, but I have confidence that you will make the right choice for yourself and your family.

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    1. Lynda - I read with interest your response to Mark and Markie, I was just as interested in your response to Lynda. I do speak from experience, Lynda, on the use of anti-depessants. I was diagnosed seven years ago with major depressive disorder. It;s complicated but I firmly believe my diagnosis is, at least in part, genetic. I have found the use of anti depressants to be valuable in allowing me to to function well in a f**ked up world. There is no "cause" for my depression that I can determine. It just is. I do have some questions for the psychiatrist when I see him tomorrow - some ideas put in my head by my big bro Mark but I have appreciated the use of the meds. I think the meds have made living more bearable in the hard times.
      You, however, have a very real reason to be depressed - a very tangible and concrete reason. Your depression is fed by grief and that is NOT my story. My only words of advice might be ride out the grief as you have been doing. Maybe meds would help but, really, grief is "normal" and the road is long. I am so sorry to say that because I fear it sounds hopeless. On the other hand, I want you to know that you have every right to feel depressed. There is nothing WRONG with you and everything right with you. I don't know that meds would fix your grief. I doubt it. Meds might work for me b/c the root of my disorder is not visible, is not explainable. I hope that makes sense. XOXOXOXO

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    2. It absolutely does make sense. You have explained the difference between I guess what you could call a temporary depressed state and a chronic depressed state. One which can be explained and one which cannot.
      You have found what works for you, Mark is trying to find what will be best for him. I am holding steady for now.

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  3. Lynda, you have every right to comment, because you are my friend. Credentials? Is that like papers? I know nothing about this stuff either. Yes, to the question about the physical. I go back tomorrow for the explanation of all the blood work, including a thyroid test. I do not know what that will tell us, but Annie has done the research and indicates that a thyroid problem could have caused a similar complication.

    As to your situation, I also feel the same as you; I hesitate to offer advice. However, that being said, yes, I think you feel grief, and everyone grieves in a different manner. As to the medication, I am sure that your physician knows best, but my last physician meant well, and prescribed an anti-anxiety drug, which was all good, but he gave me improper guidance as to dosage, so much of the effect was lessened though improer instruction. I think taking anti-depressants should be only if your grief interferes with the quality of your life. With Joe gone, the quality of your life will never be what it was. That is a fact. But whether or not your life would be enhanced artificially? Meds aren't going to take that ache away. Much love.

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    1. XOOOOOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOOXOXOXOOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOX

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