Complimentary Vandalism

Despite their best intentions, vandals paid us a call here on-farm to damage property and besmirch our name, but the end result was they ended up paying us a huge compliment. “Anti American Family” and “Trump 2020” were emblazoned in yellow paint on the sides of two of our 5,000 gallon water tanks, yellow being a color that certainly symbolizes the cowardice of the individual now self-serving as President.

He was too cowardly to serve when drafted; he is cowardly enough to intimidate women of all ages with his sexual vulgarities; he is cowardly enough to go after the weak, sick and elderly; finally, he is a coward because he has taken what he wanted his entire life, leaving behind him a trail of broken promises and lawsuits.

I have been outspoken in my criticism of 45 because he is a cad who has no concept of what integrity is. He despises women and uses them as he sees fit, and he abhors people of color. To accept him as a legitimate leader of our country is to capitulate to all that IS “Anti American,” and that I will not do.

So absolutely, I accept the mantle of Anti-American, in the context of opposing 45, and wear it with pride. I will even go as far as to say that I accept this mantle as a badge of honor, and thank the vandals accordingly.

Not only did they award me a badge of honor, they also hit the nail on the head with their timely suggestion that 45 serve 20/20: 20 years for corruption, and 20 years for obstruction of Justice.

We are reasonably certain that we know who performed the vandalism, though it really doesn’t matter. Trump is a coward, just as vandals are cowards, and they deserve one another: Just leave me and my family out of it. 

We are not cowards and will call a racist, misogynistic, Anti-Ameican creep out for being just that: a racist, misogynistic, “Anti-Ameircan creep. And we will do it with pride and honor.

Thud

I posted a photograph earlier this year of the  collapsed redwood deck that runs alongside our kitchen. Originally, this 16-by-20 foot room was our home in its entirety, with an upstairs loft. Having relocated from San Jose in May of 1982, to this windowless cabin with no water, power, heat, plumbing or stove, the addition of this deck after the aforementioned had all been handled, was a feather in my metaphorical cap.

I remember getting in on a shipment of redwood, newly delivered to Gary’s Building Supply, picking up a thousand feet of 2-by-6 for a round one thousand bones. This wood was gorgeous, and I especially liked how much easier it was to cut with a handsaw than the fir I had employed for the under-carriage.

You see, once the shell of my cabin was framed, I did all the rest of the work by hand, not owning a generator in those first few years. I cut every post, girder, block, joist, plank and brace by hand, and to be honest, took some pride in that fact.

What I lacked in terms of speed, I made up for by not having to listen to the sound of a generator, and by being able to work as little or as much as I wanted at any given time, without hassling with starting her up. Besides, the siding I used on that original 16-by-20 was one-by-seven redwood, even easier to cut by hand.

I had no nail gun and preferred it that way. Not only did one have to listen to a genny, there was the additional racket of a compressor when you use a nail gun. I’ll pass.

By the time I built that deck, I had already spent an entire summer working on a crew on the construction of a multi-level home in BrookTrails, and had helped in the building of my own cabin. Putting up something as elementary as a redwood deck, posed no problem whatsoever to this seasoned carpenter.

After work in the evenings and on weekends, I put in place this elegant deck, with custom railing so that small boys could be confined to this safe environment. The whole ensemble provided such an upgrade over the bare-bones cabin, that I almost dislocated my shoulder patting myself on the back.

Snow piled up beneath the overhang

And then a funny thing happened in the blink of an eye. Thirty-six years skedaddled along, and we got a heavy snowstorm one fine winter day. There was so much snow piled up on the deck beneath the overhanging eaves above, that it took a week for me to realize what had occurred: The weight of the snow had pulverized the deck.

This was not a case of a deck improperly built; no, the 2-by8 fir joists were snapped. By definition joists rest on their edge, which means that the only way they could have snapped is if the wood were literally rotted away.

Thirty-six years of brutal winters will do that to exposed lumber. 

Here is where things start to get a little surreal. When I built that deck with that beautiful redwood, I am quite certain that I thought it would last forever, or at least as long as my forever. I was wrong. I am equally certain that the new deck I will build will also outlive me.

Thud.

Why does that realization feel so much different to me now, than it did the first time around? 

Who's That Knocking?

“Home” for me involved at least ten different addresses between my 19th birthday, and my 30th. Since then, approaching 37 years, I have called this spot, five miles up Bell Springs Road, home. I can recall with some detail, all of the places I have labeled home; there is nothing unusual about that.

Memories are memories, right? They’re all more or less the same, give or take. Maybe they involve loved ones now departed; maybe they depict images of the interiors of specific rooms, rooms I have lived and loved in. Whatever. The memories crop up due to a wide variety of reasons, and I either savor them or shelve them.

I found out recently, though, that my previous assessment of memories as “more or less the same, give or take” requires adjustment. I am contending with a barrage of memories now, conjured up by visits from my grandson, Ollie Mac, and his pops, affectionately known in this space as SmallBoy. 

[Editor’s Note: Hmmm]

Memories “can’t be boughten; they can’t be won at carnivals for free,” sang John Prine, and he is dead on. No, memories are a gift from the gods, to ease the pain of past travails, and to offer solace for that which is gone forever.

However, I am readjusting my opinion of memories based on the fact that I am seeing in front of my eyes, a replay of SmallBoy as, well, a small boy. The setting in the kitchen is identical now, to what it was when SmallBoy would have been one year old, as Ollie Mac is now.

The ’20’s vintage Superior stove is still in place, with the walled-in pantry, rustic and practical, just behind it, the same varnish still adorning it, about seven shades darker than in 1986. The tongue-in-groove, 2-by-6 pine flooring is the same, and the same pragmatic kitchen table sits right where it was back in 1985. 

It was there the day SmallBoy, comfortably ensconced in his infant seat in the center of said table, was unceremoniously shoved off the table to fall face-first on the floor. Fortunately, and most cosmically, his face fell right onto a pillow, unfathomably lying on the floor beside the table. I have no clue why a pillow would be on the floor, partially beneath the table.

During the eight years I worked in the trades, prior to beginning my teaching career, I was the go-to guy in the house, when it came to tending small boys. I was up long before they ever were, I brought them downstairs, either on my back in the backpack, or otherwise, and we hung out together. We did so until GlutenFreeMama surfaced for her nectar of the gods, hot coffee prepared by me, and then the day officially began.

By the time SmallBoy came on the scene, our house was well child-proofed. All doors were affixed with those latches that required an adult's more deft fingers to manipulate, leaving small boys unable to gain access to doors number one-through twenty, or however many. All breakable or potentially harmful items had been rearranged so as to be well out of the reach of stretching arms with grasping fingers, and all steps, stairs and other climbing opportunities, had been effectively blocked off. 

We need to repeat the process, now that Olle is up and running. We also have to get Ellie Mae, our sweet rescue dog, used to Ollie Mac. When she is allowed in, she is the perfect hostess, wagging her tail and bestowing vast quantities of dog kisses on Ollie Mac, or at least she would if I did not remember all too vividly what it was that she-never mind. Let’s just say that Ellie Mae had Ollie Mac in stitches.

The little guy does love doggies.

Of course, I can remember both G’Day and Hazel, dogs of SmallBoy’s youth, and how he also loved doggies. These kinds of memories do not appear in the thrift shops GlutenFreeMama and I frequent, nor in the antique shops, either.

Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!

There are certain unique-to-SmallBoy memories, like the wide circle of indentations on the door of the wood box, right behind the stove. It would seem that GF Mama had the unmitigated gall to try and take a quick shower one fine day, and SmallBoy raised a ruckus. 

When pounding on the door and screaming did not gain him access, he picked up the handiest thing he could find and started beating on the [plywood] door of the woodbox. GFMama could hear the far-off pounding over the sound of the shower and through the bathroom door, and contemplated the myriad of possibilities, but she never came close to reality.

As SmallBoy and I made with the palaver, SmallBoy following Ollie around closely, we chatted about how different it would be in the kitchen, were there a fire in the wood-burning stove. 

“Hot! Will burn you!” both GF Mama and I instinctively interjected, it being the standard after the first time immortalized it forever. 

“Funny thing about hot stoves,” I added. “Adults can warn littles until they’re blue in the face about hot stoves, but the reality is, it only generally takes one time for a kid who is already walking, to figure out that the stove is bad news if you touch it.”

One cardboard box: priceless...

As I watched SmallBoy pulling Ollie Mac around in a cardboard box, as though it were a wagon, I nodded sagely. Kids will find entertainment in the simplest of devices, as we did with blanket forts and toy grocery stores.

Some memories have more clout than others, and seeing your grandson in the identical setting as that in which you saw his father, at the same age, is one of them. Of course it does involve hanging out in the same place for more than a minute or two, but when you are living the dream, you don’t ever want to wake up.

Talking Tomatoes

No, the tomatoes are not talking; I am talking tomatoes because it’s April and the topic of tomatoes permeates my existence. I have “grown my own” since 1974, so this is nothing new. What is different now than in the past, is that no matter how many I grow, HeadSodBuster can sell them.

Perfection

In the past I sent x number of lugs to market and whatever did not sell, came back to me for processing. Last summer was different in that everything I sent to market got sold, due to the expansion of our CSA (Community Sponsored Agriculture) program. 

As recently as three summers ago, the extent of my tomato-growing in the orchard consisted of thirty-nine plants, with another fifty or so in my backyard. Two summers ago I expanded the number of plants in the orchard to about 120, and experienced some intense lows and highs. 

Critters extracted a heavy toll on my crop, with gophers leading the charge. Mice, voles, birds and ground squirrels all ponied up to the trough for their share, making me glad that I had put so many plants in the ground. I lost ten percent of my tomatoes right off the top to gophers. The five traps I employed all summer, might as well have been trapping elephants, for all of their success. 

The highs included a fair amount going to market while what remained came back to me for processing. I put up cold-pack quarts of just tomatoes, along with jars of marinara sauce, catsup, pizza sauce, salsa, hot sauce and paste.

Last summer I added ten-fifteen feet to each of the eight rows in the orchard, and I put in about 160 tomato plants, after being told that if I grew them, HeadSodBuster could sell them. And sell them he did. I invested thirty dollars in an electronic device which emitted a sharp beeping sound every thirty seconds, and cut my gopher losses in half.

When the dust had settled and we saw what had occurred, HSBuster informed me that he had sold a total of 1,500 pounds of my tomatoes at market. 

Aesthetically pleasing but sunflowers are crashing the party.

I learned some key lessons last summer, the first of which is to provide a cathedral of their own for the sunflowers. I was lulled by the magic of all that is sunflowers, even though I knew from personal experience, that having a sunflower in the same 33-gallon bag with a tomato plant, squeezed the life out of the tomato plant. 

Therefore, as photogenic as last summer’s mini-invasion of colossal sunflowers was, it stunted the growth of tomatoes in the whole area. I did take countless photos of bees and sunflowers, mixed with tomatoes, dragonflies, butterflies and birds but ultimately, the sunflowers were a detriment to forward progress. 

I can solve that problem this summer by giving the sunflowers their own space outside the tomato beds, and then transplanting the volunteers that will inevitably spring up, to their new home. I have this idea of planting sunflowers in a big enough circle, so that I can put a lawn chair in the center when it gets hot, and rest in the center of all that beauty, but we’ll see how far I get with that. 

The second lesson I learned was that it was well-worth caging every single one of those 160 plants. Unlike my first experience with cherry tomatoes, two summers ago, when they were allowed to sprawl out in every direction, I put them all in cages last summer. The result was quite satisfactory, in that there was more fruit, and I no longer had to crawl along on the ground to harvest it. In some cases I was reaching well over my head. 

Last summer I put one application of fish emulsion on the plants early on, and they responded accordingly. Lugging five gallon buckets of diluted fish emulsion to 160 plants, proved logistically challenging, however, and downright hard work, dampening my enthusiasm for continuing the program. Though I had the best of intentions, that was the only time I supplemented my tomatoes with anything all season. 

Consequently, as the summer progressed into autumn, though the tomatoes continued to produce fruit well into November, the size and overall quality declined steadily. The Heinz tomatoes being harvested at the end of the season resembled cherry tomatoes in size. Therefore, I need to continue to supplement my plants this summer with fish emulsion, kelp and whatever other organic components that HeadSodBuster directs me to apply, for overall quality control.

Finally, I need to sort through my harvest each week, and cull out the bottom ten percent or so each market day, and set it aside. That way I can go back to processing all of those after-market items I did the summer before last, when I was getting a certain percentage of the tomatoes back each week after market.

In March this year, between gaps in the steady rainfall, I extended each of six tomato rows an additional fifteen to twenty feet, giving me an average of about 75 feet per row. I do not intend to add more tomato plants to the orchard, just more elbow space for each plant. My goal is to improve the quality of what I have, not the quantity, through a few of these logistical adjustments.

I am beyond thrilled to be able to establish my own niche here on-farm, one that I can call my own. I am also stoked to be able to do it on my own. I can do it by myself, at least until it comes time for harvest. 

Can you say “sun-golds gone wild?” I know you can-try it.

Fool on the Hill

The gods must still be chortling with pure delight, at the way they had maneuvered the ping-pong ball in this particular match. I occupied one side of the table, while Mark Vader, resident computer hacker, occupied the other, which was clearly the driver’s side. I never knew ping-pong tables had driver’s sides.

Fool on the mountain

We went back and forth trying to figure out a way that I, fool on the hill, could pay ransom-oops-Microsoft Technician fees, in order to free up the controls of poor Suzy Puente in the amount of $695.00 bones. I was under the delusion that the man on the phone was out to help me-not rob me.

Forlornly I had explained about the lost wallet, with driver’s license, credit card(s), VA ID, et all, being missing in action. I had no bank withdrawal card, and whereas I could probably have borrowed the money, I was not about to get into my Subi and venture off the mountain for anything. 

If the thought of a hot-fudge sundae, with extra fudge, nuts and whipped cream, is not going to get me off the mountain, nothing is. What can I say? 

Not enough to get me off the hill...

Gluten-Free Mama was over in the Valley, and incommunicado, which rendered her credit cards and bank withdrawal card, moot. On the other hand, had I been able to get ahold of her, she would have warned me that I was making a bigger fool out of myself than usual, and that I should contact Joe, local tech guru extraordinaire, before I lost the house. 

My tormentor, even if I still thought of him as my savior, must have felt the desperation of defeat, when I informed him, sadly, that we were SOL. Restraining his panic at the thought of me wriggling off the hook, he asked me why, specifically, I could not drive to get a money order.

“I live on a mountain, Dude. It’s not as though there is a Seven-Eleven up here on this dirt road.” I waited for the “not a problem, Sir, not a problem,” but I waited in vain. Not only had Mark stumbled, he had collapsed. Even he could not think of a way to get blood from this turnip. 

He didn’t actually refer to me as a turnip but I could read between the lines. When he realized that the dangling turnip so close to his grasp, was not going to materialize, he went for the next best thing. After all, he had well over an hour invested in this call already. Why not?

“When will your wife be back? I have the ability to keep these hackers out of your computer for short periods of time.” 

I knew this guy was good! He’s going to keep these creeps at bay for me. How cool is that?

Why I continued to delude myself that this guy had my best interests on hand, instead of his hand on my best interests, defies explanation. 

I was desperate to not have to bug Gluten-Free Mama, and thought about how epic it would be if I, the least likely candidate imaginable, could wrestle my identity back from the bad, the very bad hacker dude. And for only $695.00!

We agreed that he would call back on Saturday, and I would have a credit card handy to hook him up with, and then parted ways. My blender-brain had things pretty well stirred up as I hung up the phone, but my logic was that I had five days to get some loot together. Five days was a long time and who knew what might develop? 

For one thing it would give me adequate time to track down Joe, my resident knight in shining armor, and just make sure that he did not see anything that I was missing. I mean, was there any reason why I should not shell out this loot to Mark?

I messaged Joe and he called me almost immediately. In answer to my question, he said there were 695 reasons why I should not send any loot to Mark.

“It’s a scam,” he said flatly. “You’re being had. Just shut down your computer until I can get up there and take a look at it. Can you do without it for a couple of days?”

To save $695.00? 

Yes.

[Cyber]Space Invader

Had I set out to stymie my [Cyber]Space Invader, I could not have orchestrated and executed a more effective-and confounding-plan, had my actual life depended upon it, rather than [just] my cyber-life. With irony thick enough to slow down a charging elephant, even though I wanted desperately to wrestle back my computer by paying $695.00 in ransom, I could not hook the invader up: I had already lost my actual identity. 

Exactly what does a cyberspace invader look like?

I can’t make this shit up…

Les incompetents might have been the term applied, were it not for the fact that one act of [apparent] carelessness, actually produced the startling effect of saving me $695.00. Make no mistake: I was palpably eager to lay out a huge sum of money to recover my computer/identity. 

I know. Delusional is as delusional does.

In that vein I opened up the negotiations with Mark Vader by asking, “So, what’s next? How can I help get my identity restored? Obviously, you have me over a barrel.” Yeah, well, maybe “negotiations” might be overstating matters slightly.

Great success! Am I The Man, or what, gettin’ ‘er done in a timely manner? Achtung, Chucko! You’ll separate that shoulder, patting yourself on the back.

For the third time Mark verbally stumbled, obviously not accustomed to having his lunch not only delivered, but on a silver platter. “How can you help… ah, yes, Sir, I see, Sir, not a problem Sir, not a problem.” And here came the magic words, “Do you have a credit card, Sir?”

“Oh, rats,” and if you think that is the  expression I employed, you are at the same level as me on the gullible-meter. “I don’t. I lost my wallet a couple of months ago with all of my credit cards, my driver’s license and everything else I had in it.” 

I saw no valid reason why Mr. Vader needed to know that “all” of my credit cards consisted of one B of A card, obtained somewhere around 1982, with enough money on it currently, to get me into Who’s Who for a very dubious reason.

The last time I actually had my wallet in my hands was at Safeway, in Willits, sometime in early-mid January. I know because that was the last stop before getting into the Subi and heading back up on the mountain. I didn’t even discover it was missing until a few weeks later, upon the occasion of my leaving the mountain once again. Otherwise, why would I need to consult my wallet?

And yes, the astute reader has gleaned
that this is a photo of the author of
Mark's Work, which explains much...

I dutifully-if not immediately-gave the nice folks at Safeway a call, and inquired whether some kind soul had turned in a wallet at the Lost and Found. After the nice lady had regained control of herself (I didn’t think it was that funny), I described it as black with a prominent orange SF on it, a gift from a sweet woman once seeing SmallBoy, and a fellow fan of the Giants.

Right, Bro. Someone found your wallet with a wad of cash, and then raced to turn it in to the Lost and Found. Hold off on that bong for a minute or so; you’re good to go.

Lest you think it is awfully PollyAnna-ish of me to think that someone might have turned in a wallet with loot in it, I can only say simply enough, that had I found a comparable item, I would have turned it in. I could no more have kept it-and the money-than I could have donned wings and flown around above Oracle Park, no matter how high I get off of the Sour Strawberry I have been hammering all morning.

Sadly, no such item had been turned in, leaving me to surmise that I had dropped it in the parking lot, a most fortuitous turn of events for some transient. I can at least say I did my part to help out those in need this winter, regardless of the circumstances leading up to my generosity. 

Luckily, in light of subsequent events, I can now think of the loss of my wallet as a well-timed investment in my own needy status. Rather than losing three hun from my wallet, I was gaining $695.00, putting me clearly in the black.

Presently, however, I was close to getting seasick from the carnival ride Mark Vader had me on, following his dizzy cursor, while performing tech tasks that defied explanation. At least, at that moment, they defied explanation. I would find out the sad truth a little later on from Joe, my DH, or Designated Hero. 

Meanwhile, Mark had me open Safari, not my normal mode of transportation, and then directed me to perform a series of tasks that conveniently locked him into the driver’s seat, even more solidly than ever. I was merely a tool in his hands, the paint brush with which he used to create his corrupt canvas. 

I should have taken my Dramamine…

“You have no credit cards, Sir? Not a problem, not a problem, Sir. Do you have a bank-withdrawal card, Sir?”

Ha, ha. Are you out of your fucking mind? Ha, ha…

“I don’t. Dang.” I did not go into the sordid history of why I did not have a bank card; whose business was it, anyway? Besides, I still maintain that none of that mess was not my fault-well, not completely, anyway. And even if it was my fault, and I’m not admitting anything, it was none of Darth Mark Vader’s business. 

Mark pressed on, valiantly, “Not a problem, not a problem,” he assured me, obviously unaware of exactly whom it was that was on the other end of the phone. His assurances sounded sincere, especially to my naive ears. Luckily, once again, I saved him face by informing him that my wife had a credit card, and that moreover, she had a bank withdrawal card too. 

I could feel Mark’s bonhomie bounce back, and rejoiced for all of two seconds, until he asked, “Can you get your wife’s credit card?”

“Dude, sorry! She’s not here.”

“Not a problem, Sir, not a problem. Can you call her and get the number?”

“I can’t; she’s in the hospital over in Sacramento. There is no way I can get ahold of her until tonight,” I explained, starting to worry that I was going to drop the ball. 

“I see, Sir, I see. Not a problem. You have no license, no credit cards, no bank withdrawal card and your wife is not available.”

“That about sums it up,” I agreed.

“Can you borrow the money?”

“Well, sure I can borrow the money. What then? I still don’t have a way to get the money to you.” What did this guy want me to do, drive an hour to Willits?” Laugh the fuck out loud.

“You could get in your car and drive to get a money order.” 

SAY WHAT, MOTHER-FUCKER?

“Dude, that is never going to happen. I do not do cars. But I know we can make this happen-we have to!”

We just have to think. That, and maybe pack the bong with a little Ogre Berry, for inspiration-I mean, of course, for clarity’s sake.

Next: The Designated Hero

Mr. Toad's Wild Ride

Like the child in the candy shop, my eyes remained wide open as the computer “technician” led me by my metaphorical hand on a tour of the inner workings of my hacked computer. Never, never in a million years did it occur to me that I was being had. I can’t emphasize this enough. Desperation was the motivation for my gambol through the world of telephones, overseas-sounding operatives and most importantly, patience. Listening to the sound track of most on-hold venues to which I have been subjected, is generally enough to do the trick.

Exit, stage left.

What then? With Suzy Puente firmly in the grip of the hack-meister, and my identity apparently at stake, what other choice do I have? We’re talking about my I.D. being compromised. It’s not as though I didn’t recently lose my wallet, containing my driver’s license, VA card, credit cards and three hundred bones.  

Of course, there was a different choice, one that occurred to me the instant my hour-and-fifteen-minute phone conversation ended, but for the time being, I was gripping my seat and hanging on for dear life, on a white-water rafting trip not of my making. To add insult to injury, had Gluten-Free Mama been here, she would have sounded the alarm. 

“Don’t you remember?” she asked, when I caught up with her later.

“Not much,” I returned.

“Oh, come on,” she went on. “That time we had to go up to Eureka and go to Kiah’s dad’s shop so he could fix my computer?”

Oh, that time. It was a carbon-copy so to speak, and I did remember the trip to Eureka. I just hadn't remembered the fine print, so “Mark” had me by the-no, not those-just my metaphorical hand. 

I feel like I’m on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride at Disneyland, with all of the sites we are flitting by. This guy knows his shit.

“Do you see that many of these sites are marked ‘sleeping?’” Mark asked me.

That awkward moment. wtf? All I see is a screen with a thousand lines of computer script, a virtual maze of symbols, words and columns. None of it computed, if you will excuse the pun. Hold the phone! I do see a column with “sleeping” duly noted. He’s right. 

Excitedly I burst out, “Yes, I see them! What does that mean?” There is something comical about knowing nothing, and asking questions to which the answers would also be meaningless. 

“Great question,” Mark assured me. “These are security components of your computer system that have been compromised. In each of these instances, problems could develop, which they obviously did. “Do you see that Chicago has come up several times here?” 

Sure enough, his cursor was jumping from point to point, spotlighting the Windy City. “Now, I doubt you have friends in Chicago, so this could be the source of your problem.”

“Whoa, Dude. I do have friends in Chicago, relating to my appearing on a radio show for a couple of years. I have been talking to Daniel regularly.”

Mark stumbled, verbally. “What? You do? Oh, well, that explains that,” he went on flawlessly.

What? Can you share? What, exactly, explains what?

The screen was jumping around like a farm frog, but it suddenly paused, once again presenting a sea of uncertainty for my grasping eyes. 

Triumphantly Mark exclaimed, “There. I am seeing international compromises too. It’s possible because you visited ad-ver-tease-ments.” 

Advertisements? The old hippie who despises commercials, ads or any form of attempt to inflict Corporate ‘Merica upon him, is clicking on ads on the internet?

“No way, Holmes,” I said flatly.

Again, Mark seemed to stagger verbally. “Well, Sir, what sites do you visit most frequently?”

“How about sfgiants.com?” I asked.

The screen blinked and there we were. I have to say, his internet speed was ten times mine. 

“Any of these ad-ver-tease-ments could cause issues with your security system,” he went on.

“They probably could,” I went on, “if I ever clicked on them.”

I’m starting to get more confused than usual here.

“Not a problem, not a problem. It’s impossible to know how the hacker gained access,” Mark continued smoothly.

Stupid me contributed this, “Well, I think I might know. I accepted a friend request on face/book from someone who had been hacked.”

Mark pounced on that piece of information, declaring, “Ah ha! You should not have done that!”

No shit, Sherlock. 

“That’s how hackers steal your identity,” Mark concluded.

In frustration I asked, “Can you fix it? Can you get rid of this hacker?”

“Not a problem, not a problem, but it’s going to cost.”

“Well, I understand that. I know this stuff costs. How much are we talking?” 

Come on, how bad can the damage be? Worst case, a couple of hun?

The computer screen did another tilt-a-whirl, slowed to a stop and Mark asked, “Do you see it?”

“What?”

“The cursor,” he responded, and then I did see it.

Blinking benignly, as if not a part of this farce, the cursor was placed in front of the figure, $695.00.

$695.00?!? Fuck me running. One-third the cost of Suzy Puente. Do I really have a choice?

Next: Who is being conned?