Grinning [Like an Idiot]

Grinning [Like an Idiot]

Though the inexorable march of time has never failed to materialize,  it would appear to be traveling in baby steps these days, because it has been five days now since Annie had her kidney removed, and I am no closer to knowing how she is doing, than I was five days ago.

I have received the one phone call from San Francisco, last Monday, as Lito told me that the operation had been successfully completed and that Annie was in the recovery room.  Now this is Friday, and I know nothing more.  The original edict which came from Annie, said simply that she had to focus on getting well, and that I needed to give her that space before we got back together and assessed the damage.

As difficult as that is to do I have had no choice.  After experiencing three weeks of debilitating depression, which annoyed Annie no end, I am in the midst of a manic stretch, which began the minute she left ten days ago, that rivals the earlier depression very effectively.  Instead of sleeping twelve to fifteen hours a day, I sleep less than two.  Of course the amount of cleaning and the number of projects being addressed is truly impressive. If I survive the separation, I will certainly dazzle Annie with my industry during her absence.

What does a mood spectrum sufferer do, in order to try and retain some sense of normalcy, or rather, the sense of normalcy that would impress Annie, and make her think that I may actually have an idea of how to get a handle, once and for all, on my illness?

To begin I have respected Annie’s wish not to contact her, even though just to hear her voice would mean the world to me at this point in time.  Somehow, I do not think Annie would be impressed with that sentiment, so I’ll skip it.  Along with that, I have not attempted to deal with the frustration that was exhibited towards me, by those who had a peripheral role in relocating Annie.  As I mentioned the other day, for some people, others’ mental issues evoke annoyance and anger, rather than compassion and care.  It is what it is.

I have tried my hardest to get the required sleep, even if it has meant just lying, awake, for hours at a time, thoughts racing around my head, like the Indy 5000.  I know it’s supposed to be the Indy 500, but I have extended it for this occasion.

I have continued to walk the dogs, trying to do so both in the morning and the evening to keep up a regimen of vigorous exercise.  I have overcome my non-existent appetite, and returned to a routine that guarantees that I am eating adequately.  Proper nutrition, along with sleep and exercise, is one of the big three.  Annie just might even be impressed that I actually bought a steak at Geiger’s the other day, and made three meals out of it.  I am an avowed opponent to red meat, for the simple reason that I have difficulty digesting it, and that’s the point.  In an effort to eat properly, I am willing to undergo the discomfort of that choice. 

 I take my daily vitamin, my fish oil, and I drink vast, unlimited amounts of water.  I have eliminated all caffeine, except for that one morning mug of coffee, and I have eliminated all of the beverages that contain all sorts of mean and nasty components.  I drink only fruit juice, laced with water.  I avoid all alcohol, and take the Lorazepam only when there is a sleep issue.

I do so to show Annie that even though she is not here to observe and coach me, I am trying to assume this mantle on my own, so that she no longer has to worry about me-just herself.  Additionally, going down to Ukiah yesterday, by myself, to see Dr. Mark, is another indicator, that I understand what has to happen in the future, at least for a while, so that Annie can devote all of her attention to getting better.

I have vast, unlimited opportunities to demonstrate to Ann that I am ready to take the next step in my recovery, and I am beginning to think that means adjusting my stance on medication for MSD.  I have steadfastly (with Ann’s support) refused to consider taking either the atypical, antipsychotic meds, that Dr. Garratt originally prescribed, or the mood stabilizer, that seemed to be the best fit, except for that pesky, skin rash, that can kill you if you do not catch it quickly enough.

Now, however, in light of recent hard times, I am capitulating.  When I visit the Veterans Administration doctor, one week from today, I have decided to ask him to write a prescription for me for Lamictel (SP?), the mood stabilizer that may allow me an element of normalcy in my life.  

Normalcy, whatever that is destined to look like, has got to be better than what I’ve got going now, which is hideous.  I’d rather be a drooling idiot, than just an idiot, which is how I feel at this point in time, sitting around wondering whether my bridges are burnt and destroyed, or whether they still have enough infrastructure left, to incorporate a change in the program.

I have never been an advocate for change; therefore bring on the meds.  I will probably never even notice the old Mark as he white-waters his way into the cosmos, leaving me, the new Mark, floating, effortlessly in the middle of a still pond, grinning like-well-an idiot.

In the Darkness

In the Darkness

All things come to him or her who waits.  We waited interminably for the 6th of September to roll around so that the surgeon who will be operating on Annie, could be consulted.  I know precious few of the details, because I was not present for the discussion, and probably could not have assimilated the information successfully anyway, because MSD patients encounter difficulty taking in new information.  For me it is particularly hard if I am hearing information for the first time, as opposed to reading it.

I believe there is one tumor that the doctor thinks is confined to one kidney alone.  He feels that to remove the one infected kidney is the most effective way to stop forward progress, and will do so early this Monday morning.  I do not know whether the tumor is malignant; it does not seem to matter one way or the other at this moment-the kidney has to come out.  I do know that when I used to experience stress, say back when I was teaching, I had no idea what kind of stress, real life events could produce.

Now I am experiencing a degree of emotional upheaval, unparalleled in my life’s experiences.  I am also six months into therapy to obtain some control over my recently diagnosed mood spectrum disorder.  Unfortunately, my coach and mentor is Annie and she is occupied at the moment.  What happens to the MSD patient when his coach and mentor needs to be doing something else and cannot guide him?  I’m not sure what happens, but I do know the result is unpredictable.

I could not follow through on my determination to be the go-to guy for Annie; that became apparent three days into the process.  I could not do the things that I wanted to do, because my foundation and support was gone.  Therefore, I struggled, and in doing so, caused those around me to have to contend with my struggles.  In the end, it was deemed appropriate that I remain here on the mountain when the journey down to San Francisco was undertaken, to talk to the surgeon at California Pacific Medical Center in San Francisco, where the operation will be performed.

I am sorry that I cannot be there in person for Annie, but I do understand.  I am also heartily sorry that there are people who are exasperated with me. 

Mental illness is not a crime, but many patients receive a fair portion of negative response.  I did not mean to offend or annoy anyone while grappling with my aloneness.  When people do not understand the actions of a person with mental issues, the natural inclination is to get annoyed, if not downright angry.  I am paying the price for my illness big-time, right now, because I am unable to be with Annie.  For that I am grievously sorry, because she is and always has been the light in my world.  I am in the darkness without her.

I have a better understanding of my illness, but no better ability to control it when this kind of life issue comes along, than I ever would have, no matter how many sessions of therapy were involved.  I would give anything to be able to help Annie right now, and therefore I understand why I am up here on my mountain.  I just wish I weren’t. 

The Tilt-A-Whirl

The Tilt-A-Whirl

Once, long ago, when I was a small boy, a friend of mine and I were at a carnival and bought tickets for the Tilt-A-Whirl, being a little too meek for the Hammerhead but far too daring for the Ferris Wheel.  As enjoyable as the Tilt-A-Whirl had looked from our vantage point on the ground, when we got on the ride, my friend and I were terrified.  Purely as a defense mechanism, we shriveled ourselves into as small of passengers as possible, awaiting the end of the interminable ride.  Much to our astonishment, when the ride finally ended, the man who operated the Tilt-A-Whirl, had the unmitigated gall to yell at us for “sneaking an extra ride.”

Why was the Tilt-A-Whirl so scary?  I think it was because we were expecting one thing, and got something different.  I inherited this characteristic from my mother, this notion of having some sort of clear idea of what my expectations must always be.  If there is a mismatch, then it rocks my world.  So this particular ride on the Tilt-A-Whirl turned into a nightmare, complete with indignant ride operator.

Now I am back on a metaphorical Tilt-A-Whirl.  I am shriveled up on the inside, and compressed against the back of the ride, certainly at my darkest hour, just waiting for the operator to finally let up on the gear shift, so that we can glide to a halt, and get the hell off.  Only there is no getting off this ride called life, not legitimately, anyway.

My intent in writing anything, is always to spotlight what is going on in my head, and not to put the focus on others.  Any of you who have read anything at this site, know that I have ongoing, never-varying instructions about what I may not write about, and that is anything that violates others’ privacy.  I respect this edict with all of my power.  

Sixteen days have passed since we learned of the presence of the tumor on Annie’s kidney.  All we can do is wait until the Sixth of September arrives.  At least then, we will learn some new information and hopefully schedule the surgical procedure, that will begin the healing process.

Meanwhile, we are in a holding pattern.  We are not up in an airplane, holding, nor are we on a phone, holding.  We are in life, holding, because it takes time to arrange these kinds of logistics, cutting people open, to remove unwanted baggage.  One likes to have the best possible person doing the job, and there has been such a person recommended.

However, he is not available just yet, so we are holding.  How am I holding up?  Holding up implies I was up in the first place.  I meant to be... I promised I would be... I tried to be...I even was for the first two or three days, in an invisible and shadowy way.  But nothing happened, and any facade that might have suggested that I was keeping it together, collapsed with nary a hiss.

I wept a lot.  You know, not the dramatic sobs of the man who has been jilted from his lover, just the muted type of sobs, that you hear from a man, who fears that he is going to lose the one centering thing in his life for the past thirty-one years.  Those are the kind of sobs that seem to appear while sitting out under the pippin tree, hidden within the branches, no one there to see or hear anything amiss.

My gut tells me Annie has lived the healthiest lifestyle of anyone I know, and that she is going to take advantage of modern technology and beat this illness.  She has her three strong sons, and I know that I am going to help in any way that I can.  I also know that I will not be at the front of the charge, because I cannot be.  But lots of smaller jobs need to be done that get less glamour, and right now that’s probably better for me anyway.  No one notices someone sobbing while cleaning a toilet, or if she does, she just nods her head, and thanks her lucky stars it’s not her cleaning the bathroom this time.

Says So in the Manual

Says So in the Manual

In yesterday’s piece, I mentioned that my primary goal, when we found out that Annie is ill, was to be her number-one, go-to guy.  I figured this is my opportunity to repay her for all of the drama I have put her through this past winter, while we sorted out my own fragmented mood spectrum.

Nothing makes me want to reciprocate, more than the scales being already tipped in my favor.  I feel as though I have much to pay back, and yet, the very nature of my illness, prevents me from doing so.  Until now Annie has been my coach and mentor, while I sorted out the complexities of mood spectrum disorder.  Making reasonable progress, we have begun each day with a careful assessment of the state of Mark, and recorded the data on my mood chart.

By doing so, I have been able to compare each day’s emotional barometer, with that of the previous day, and the day before that, and draw some sort of haphazard conclusions.  Inherent in the whole process has been honesty.  How many hours of sleep did I actually get, compared to how many hours I put on the chart?  Prior to now, there was no reason to get creative with the answers.

Now, however, if the questions tend to make me admit things, that are not going to make it easier for Annie, then I might hold off.  She doesn’t need to know what my level of depression is, because it is not going to help her feel better.  She doesn’t need to know that the speed of the racing thoughts in my head, defies computation.  She doesn’t need to know that the agitation going on up there, would make an old-time washing machine, seem like a tranquil pool of serenity. That’s the dilemma that I am encountering.  If I am honest to a fault, someone is likely to get hurt.  

But Annie’s newly diagnosed illness is too heavy for me to just absorb, with my manly sense of dignity intact.  I want to say,  "Aw, hell, I can handle it-just try me..." until it involves the fragile nature of life, and its connection to the most important person in my life.  I’m not that manly and I don’t want to be.  I just want to retain my Annie, not my sense of dignity.

Yesterday, I formed the conclusion that I am not in a position to be Annie’s number one go-to guy, for the same reason that she can no longer function as my coach and mentor.  In order for me to be at top speed, I need my coach available to guide me; my coach has had to take time off to tend to personal problems, so I need to form a new plan.  She has also opted to shut down her quilting business, for the time being, because it is too draining. 

Temporarily, she will not be baking for market or making her tamales because it’s just too much.  She can bake some gluten-free bread for those who rely on it, she can prepare some miso soup, or she can read on the couch.  This is a very different existence for Annie, I can only guarantee you of that.

As for me, I am no longer in the early stages of my illness and have spent six months unraveling that ball of twine inside my head, so the need to have my coach present has diminished.  I have not mastered my therapy, but have at least instilled an ongoing, successful program, which allows me to be able to give that much more support to Annie.  Maybe not 100%, but much, none-the less.  

Fortunately, this is where the news brightens enormously.  I have mentioned additional support in the form of others who have stampeded to help.  Annie has had her spirits buoyed tremendously by the presence of our three strong, devoted sons and respective partners.  All three of these young men, were here in the kitchen yesterday, anxious to let Annie revel in their love, strength, generosity and confidence.  They are a formidable force in this most recent-and very unexpected-development.

Because Annie and I have functioned as a team for thirty-one years, there is no reason to let up at this late stage in the game, especially with our sons and their partners by our side.  

Tell you what, Annie.  I’ll make your tea, and get your Kindle, if you will take a look at this mood chart, and see if everything is in order.  I promise not to fudge on the data too much, if you promise to take your iron supplements, and let me carry that water for the chickens out to the coop.  You don’t need to be doing that strenuous of a task.  And together we’ll figure it out.  Says so in the manual, page twelve, paragraph 4, under sub-section L, for Love.

What's She Doing up?

What’s She Doing Up?

A few weeks ago I was the hero for having driven Annie back from Eureka to Willits, when we thought she was having an attack of a kidney stone.  To say that I exceeded the speed limit, would be an understatement.  We went directly to Howard Hospital, and spent a good part of the day, until she was feeling stabilized, whereupon, we went on home.

It was a good test for me, to be able to employ my array of mental tools to keep me from having any sort of negative reaction from the stress.  I passed the test with flying colors, and we have been in a holding pattern ever since, waiting for that pesky “kidney stone” to exit the building.  I have passed two kidney stones back in the day, so I have been a good support person for Annie.

Actually, I have been a great support person for her, because I feel the need to balance the scales, that exist in my mind, because they are currently dipped down on Annie’s side and need to be righted.  You see, Annie has been my guide, coach, and mentor, for six months now, as I have unraveled the ball of twine inside my head, known as mood spectrum disorder.  She has helped me research, review, and understand my illness so that I have been able to progress through therapy, even managing up until this point, to be able to forego the use of the medication that was originally prescribed.  That would be the atypical, anti-psychotic, meds that scared me and Annie so badly, that we doubled our efforts to find out everything possible about mood spectrum disorder. 

Now I have experienced a summer’s worth of “normalcy,” combined with a rigid adherence to my primary therapeutic components of proper sleep, proper exercise, sensible diet, laden with fresh vegetables and fruit, and an avoidance of caffeine.  Am I back to “normal?”  Sure, and the weather’s been normal too for the past ten days or so, but you never know.

Bipolarism is something I am going to have to deal with every day of my life; it is a full-time job.  Therefore, I am experiencing a fair amount of challenge trying to figure out how I am going to be able to help Annie.  It turns out that her “kidney stone” is not a kidney stone at all, but rather, an eight-centimeter-tumor, taken up residence in one of her two kidneys.  I can’t even tell you which.  When I say it like that, it sounds so much more benign than cancer.  I mean, you just remove a tumor, right? Cancer sticks around and causes havoc.  Right now, the thinking appears to lean toward simply removing the kidney.

This is the part where my mental faculties want to stop the truck-dead in the center of the road, and demand a re-examining of the life’s schedule of events. Overload!  Too much going on-lay off a bit.  How is a bipolar guy, suppose to assume the nursing needs of a cancer patient?   The answer is, “He’s not.”   

In the first couple of days, I kept running at full speed into oak trees, one representing something that needed to be done for Annie, the same one representing something that I needed to be doing for me.  The result was that the two paths kept crossing, and every time it happened, I was left scattered, dazed and confused.

One good thing we had going for us, however, was that the radiologist did take a close look round, while examining the dye-encrusted region, and saw nothing else that might overly have alarmed him.  It seems as though we are early in the process, and our hope is high.  We have a consultation with the pros from Dover in San Francisco, on September 6th, and we will schedule surgery then.

In case you all are forming glowing images of Mark, still on that white steed, riding at the head of the special forces, conveying Annie along to wellness, think again.  It sounds so good, and I told Annie the very first day, that I was going to do everything that possibly needed doing, and she wasn’t going to have to worry about me one bit.

That was my best moment, in a short list of best moments.  My flaw is that the only reason I could have been doing so well, is because I had Annie.  It goes like this: Annie helps Mark; Mark is able to thrive and be productive; Mark can therefore help Annie.  If Annie now has to pay attention to Annie, first, then she cannot help Mark first, who therefore struggles, and is therefore not able to help at all.

Fortunately, it only took me four days to realize the flaw, and to take the necessary steps to correct it.  That doesn’t mean all is well; it just means that no one is functioning in an unreasonable role, and new roles take time to form.  There is a tremendous amount of immediate support within the hill community, so Annie is in good hands.  

She is forcing herself to slow down and deal with the needs of her illness.  She has expressed a desire to minimize phone calls and visits to those of the utmost of importance, so that she can get the rest she needs to prepare for her upcoming surgery.  

Whether you look to the gods and goddesses within the very existence of your home and garden, whether you follow the principles of a number of available man-made options, or whether you just trust to luck, be thinking of my sweetest of apple blossoms, as she battles something which seeks to dim those fragile flowers.  Together, I know we can make a difference.  The proof is in  all of the middle school kids, who peeked their heads into Annie’s classroom, stepped inside, and emerged to be productive members of our community.  Now I need your help to get positive energy heading this way.

I want her on her feet, with the devil looking up in alarm saying, “What the hell’s she doing up already?  I thought we took care of her.  Damn!"

Quick Strike

Quick Strike

From a softball game/barbecue to fighting a wild fire, Sunday afternoons can offer a variety of opportunities for a community to demonstrate just how much of a community it really is.  Though folks up here on the ridge have been playing softball on Sunday afternoons since 1982, fighting fires as a unit is a relatively recent thing.

Timing is everything as they say, because when a wildfire broke out Sunday afternoon, the local volunteer fire department was up to the challenge.  It was able to deploy more than fifteen volunteers to the site, and contain the fire to one acre, having it under control before either the Laytonville Volunteer unit or the Leggett Cal Fire unit, arrived.

It has occurred to me that practically every major wild fire began as something that could have been contained in a similar manner, had it been spotted quickly enough, and had personnel been able to get there.  Those are two components that must be in place.  Because the blaze was spotted quickly, it became as critically important that the response-time be equally fast.   

There have been many training sessions for Bell Springs Voluntary Firefighters, there has been a certain amount of equipment made available, there is a water tender, with a capacity of 1,200 gallons of water, and there is a determination to not sit around waiting for someone else to come in and solve our problems.

I say “our” problems; I refer to the problems of the community.  I personally do not have a hand in the firefighting work.  When the volunteer unit was assembled, not that long ago, I assessed my contributions, and compared them to my liabilities, and decided to let valor take a back seat to discretion.  I have one surgically repaired knee, one surgically reconstructed shoulder, and a tendency to fall often and hard.  The way I view it, is the same way army strategists view it.  

Disabling booby traps are intended to do just that: disable and not kill.  By hurting someone, two additional soldiers are required to move the injured one to safety.  If I go out to fight a fire, and end up hurting myself, any good I might have done, will be surpassed by the harm of needing two volunteers to help me to safety.  I am not a pessimist, so much as a realist.  The ridge is rolling hills, clusters of manzanita, rocky ravines, and treacherous footing, every step of the way.  

I ought to know, because I’ve owned my twenty acres for 37 years now, and have lived up here for the past 31 of them.  I have seen at varying distances, at least a dozen wildfires during this period, any of which could have turned on us, through different circumstances, and caused us to bail out.

Sunday’s blaze was started by a vehicle which had driven into our area, after a long haul, and had been imprudently parked in tall, dry grass.  The fire was spotted quickly and the call to 911 went out, whereupon the Bell Springs Volunteer unit was contacted.  The blaze was located on an off-road, almost five miles up Bell Springs Road.  The time required for either of the official units to converge on the scene was long enough for the home-grown unit to have already gotten a handle on the blaze.  

That’s not to say that the town units are not needed nor welcome.  Most of those other blazes, to which I just alluded, were handled by those afore-mentioned town-units.  There’s a lot of history there.  Heck, Laytonville’s unit went out of its way to conduct a fire training, geared specifically to the volunteer unit from up here on the ridge.  There is a certain amount of common sense to that approach.  Now both sides have gained from the experience.  As I said, had our home-grown locals not been available, I am confident that other forces would have conducted themselves in the same exemplary fashion, as they have so many times before.

Now, though, there is a new kid on the block, one who knows about the advantages of providing a quick strike to an incident.  Because Laytonville’s fire unit had already had the fore-sight to warn us that all fire-fighting forces were stretched out, and that we should be on high-alert, our volunteers were equipped and ready to accept the challenge.  The result was Sunday’s victory, and the heroes are those who were prepared.

In the Parking Lot

In the Parking Lot

“Because I like happy endings, I will just tell you that everything is going to work out just fine.  It says so in the manual.”

I wrote this the other morning, in summing up what seemed like a dead-end situation, in obtaining veterans health benefits.  As it turns out, I was right to have drawn that conclusion.  Because I am beginning the fourth in a series of posts, concerning the state of my health insurance, I need to do a quick review.  Form DD214 told the tale of the original quest for my documentation, that verified I had served honorably, in the US Army, for two years back in 1972/1973.  The Blender describes my mixed feelings over the acquisition of these veterans benefits, and Die-in-the-Hall Insurance describes the steps leading up to a seemingly impenetrable wall, halting the whole process, temporarily. 

Now, a scant twenty-four hours later, the haze has cleared, some emails have been exchanged, and I have an appointment for September 21st, down in Ukiah with a doctor named Shepherd.  I don’t even know if Dr. Shepherd is a man or a woman.  Having to wait close to five weeks is better than having the three-to-four month delay that was mentioned on the recording, when I first called to see if my application had been accepted.

It was that recording that started all the problems, because upon hearing about such a long delay for an appointment, plus the fact that my name had not appeared on the list, designating that I was eligible for benefits, I felt myself plummeting into the depths of depression.  With a keen sense of bitterness, I fired off an email to my older brother Brian who has spent the past few decades (quite a while, anyway) as the chief-of-staff of a Bay Area veterans hospital.  The gist of my email was that the whole veterans health benefits package was a joke, and that my personal sense of disappointment was extremely sharp.

That all took place on Wednesday.   Thursday morning, while sitting in the parking lot at J.C. Penney’s, I received a call from Brian, who asked simply for my social security number, and told me to sit tight.  I was contacted by two different individuals within the next hour.  The first was a follow-up call from the office I had phoned, when I had learned of the long delay.  At the time, my call had been transferred from the original speaker, to a second office, but in frustration, I had hung up the phone.  

Now a person named Christopher called and asked for the last four digits of my social security number, told me he had found my application, and that he would process it immediately.  He said that he would inform me of when that had taken place.  I had barely hung up the phone, when another call came in from a man named Dan, who identified himself as the Administrative Officer of Veterans Affairs for the region, and could he help me out in any way?

I explained about not being on the list, after being told that my application should have proceeded through without a hitch, and that the three-to-four month time period, alluded to on the phone, seemed inordinately long, for any sort of efficient health care.  He explained that his job was to make sure that any issues that arose from veterans’ needs, were solved to the best of his ability, and that he would fire off a few emails, and see what he could do.

When I expressed concern about the possibility of being leap-frogged over fellow veterans, he assured me that I would not be usurping any other brother veterans’ spots in my journey.  He set up a time for me to call him back the following morning (Friday) at nine o’clock.  I went home and posted an email off to Brian, letting him know what was up, and thanking him for any assistance, he may have extended to me in the matter.  

Brian responded that since I was in the NorCal region that included San Francisco’s Veterans Hospital, he had placed a call to the chief-of-staff there, a fellow with whom he had worked for fifteen years, at some earlier point in time.  It seems that in addition to working together, they had also played softball together on a team, and were fairly good buds.  Brian had called him, and he had evidently called Dan.

Included in his response to me, Brian had written, “...He [the chief-of-staff of the veterans hospital] was concerned about your experience, so he immediately mobilized the team, but he would have done the same thing for anyone else.  We have worked so hard to be welcoming and to provide the best care anywhere, that it is profoundly disturbing when something goes wrong.  I am sorry for your experience.”

The net result is that I have an appointment for September 21st, about five weeks away, which is a far cry better than three to four months.  I feel supported and I feel fortunate to have plugged the gap from the elapsed health insurance.  I may end up dying in a hallway, but at least it will not be because I have no insurance.