I Don't Need No Stinkin' License

I don't need no stinkin' license.

There, I said it. 

92 pages of DMV handbook

I failed yet another driver’s test at the DMV today, my third. After spending the last two months studying the handbook that my sister Laura scored for me from the DMV, and failing again, I have decided I am not going to beat my head against that wall anymore

I have been driving for fifty-three years without either a citation for a moving violation or being in an accident. I don’t need to take a written test to prove I can drive. I have been doing that in reality for fifty-three years. I have only been pulled over once since I moved to Mendocino County in 1982 and that was for expired tags. So why do I need a driver’s license at all?

At least these mean
something to me.

Studying the handbook does not help when it comes to irrelevant trivia, such as the length of penalty for infractions, or blood-level stats for driving partially or completely inebriated. These kinds of details have no relevance to me and I can’t find a way to make them stick in my memory.

So many questions about light rail vehicles. I have no frame of reference. Are they buses? Trains? There aren’t any in Laytonville. 

As the divine Miss Bette Midler once said, “Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.” 

And I might add, I will make sure my tags are up to date.

I Failed Thumbprinting 101

I failed thumb-printing 101 at the Garberville DMV yesterday and as a result, I will not be allowed to operate a motor vehicle in California any longer. I was also unable to properly relay my name and my date of birth, but I do believe that was secondary to failing thumb-printing 101. I mean, a lot of people have problems being able to remember (and write out) their own names and birthdays, right?

The individuals who were employed to help people at the DMV, were sarcastic, rude, insensitive, condescending and simply callous. That an elder would have issues with the computer system in place, seemed the height of entertainment in the almost-empty facility, while simultaneously being a burden of astronomical proportions. 

That is correct; I had the place almost to myself. I mention this because it is not as though I would have been depriving vast numbers of others of the services of the two employees working the counter. I use the term “working the counter” loosely.

I was at the DMV in the first place because my license expires within the next ten days, and though I don’t drive often, I do need to be able to get down to the VA in Ukiah. 

I have a history of struggling with the computers in the DMV, and if that amuses you too, then so be it. Whereas I am happy to provide entertainment, I am not happy that my distress caused no more of a ripple in the surface of this stagnant office, than that created by the need to reheat a cup of coffee in the microwave.

The directions stated, “Place your right thumb in the designated area.”

I did so.

The computer did nothing except blink and then repeat the directions, “Place your right thumb in the designated area.”

After the third [unsuccessful] time, the computer simply shut down. I was forced to face the ignominy of crawling back to the chair in front of the window until one of the two employees deigned to respond to me.

The woman, let’s call her Betty Bored, was simply too busy staring at the screen to notice me. The dude, let’s call him Baldy, seemed more inclined because I was obviously a person of great comic interest. I’m sure I was not the only old, long-haired hippie type to seek a driver’s license that morning, but I was the one most readily available.

I explained my dilemma. When his eye-rolling had run its extensive course, he led me back to the computers, and rebooted the computer-or whatever he did-and then proceeded to show me how to do the thumb-printing business. As complicated as placing my thumb in the designated area apparently could be, I was determined to succeed with Baldy right next to me.

Oops! By golly, even with Baldy perched right there beside me, the computer failed to read my thumbprint. Not once. Not twice. Three times the computer failed to register my thumbprint. Baldy had no explanation, but he did reset the computer again, and we tried once more.

Finally, I experienced the thrill of success and he faded back to his counter.

“Please enter your first name in the designated area.” I did so and followed up with my middle name and then my last name. I have had them for almost 71 years now, so I was positive that I knew how to spell them.

Oops! The computer did nothing but blink and repeat the directions. I stared at screen in disbelief. I had neither misspelled my name nor stuttered. 

After the third time, I slithered back to the counter, and went through the whole thing again, with Baldy sarcastically commenting that is was pretty important to be able to get my name correct. 

When the same thing happened with my date of birth, I was ready to cash in my chips and head for home without the coveted license. But I persevered. I did stay to take the written part of the test, but after the fourth question about the amount of time you would have to serve for 1) drunk driving, 2) Vehicular manslaughter, 3) leaving the scene of an accident I caused, 4) amount of time you would have to serve for speeding in a construction zone, and finally, my favorite, 5) the amount of time you would get for back-handing a supercilious employee of the DMV, after being ridiculed for the third or fourth time in the past ten minutes, I bailed out.

So yes, after all of that, I failed the test. I have had a driver’s license for fifty-three years without either an accident or a moving violation on my record and yet, because I am not up to date on the criminal justice system for crimes I would never commit, I am being denied a license.

After failing the test, I left the facility, went to lunch with my grandson and his mama, browsed through the art store, and hit the toy store for good measure. I then returned once more to the DMV to retake the test. After suffering through Baldy’s broad smirk, I returned to the computer, expecting I could just jump into the test. 

But no, that isn’t the way it works. I had to start over from the beginning with my thumbprint. And you’ll never guess what happened next. Never.

Wait. You did guess it?

If you guessed that the computer did not recognize my thumbprint, you perceptive reader, you, then you guessed correctly. 

Exit, Mark, Stage left.

On my way out, I paused long enough to regale the facility and all six people in there with my opinion, “You folks (Baldy and Betty) are here ostensibly to help people take care of business, and you do help some people. But you don’t help everybody. You don’t give elders much help at all.”

On my soapbox by now, I continued, “And when I phoned yesterday to ask a clarifying question, I was unable to access the automated phone system. The man who had done the recording while taking time off from his job as an auctioneer, spoke so fast I couldn’t even tell what was being auctioned off in the first place, let alone whether or not I had to take a written test.”

Under pressure, I then managed to find the front door and exit the building with no plans to return. Even if I were to call the DMV again, there is no one on the other end of the phone to plead my case to. Just the auctioneer and he’s selling, not buying.

I went 134 consecutive days at the start of the pandemic without leaving this mountain, so I obviously did not need a driver’s license. And I guess I really don’t need one now. At least, not badly enough to deal with Baldy again. Funny how “badly” and “Baldy” have the same five letters. 

Not that funny, I guess. It’d be funny if I had a driver’s license in my hand, but somewhere along the line, I seem to have lost my sense of humor.

The ABC's of Cooking: I Is for Irresistible

Maybe it is because as a kid I used to bake desserts for school lunches back on Fellowship Street, so I really do enjoy baking birthday cakes and pies and Holiday desserts. I bake so that all may enjoy, and that means I bake gluten-free, dairy-free and sugar-free. 

There are numerous flours available, including almond flour, and I get fifty-pound bags of gluten-free flour delivered to Laytonville. I also cook for a farm staff and bake for the farm stand, so fifty pounds goes quickly. Otherwise, the co-op in Ukiah certainly has g/f flour and Mariposa in Willits also. You of course, are not restricted to using g/f flour.

I substitute coconut milk and coconut oil/butter when dairy is called for, and I use either honey or maple syrup in place of sugar. The ratio of sugar to honey I use, is two to one. If a recipe calls for one cup of granulated sugar, I use one-half cup of honey or maple syrup.

Gluten-free, dairy-free, chocolate cake

1 cup coconut milk

1 tbsp white vinegar

1 cup coffee, room temperature

1/2 cup avocado oil

2 eggs

1 tsp vanilla

1 cup honey

13/4 cups g/f flour

3/4 cup cocoa powder

2 tsp baking soda

1 tsp baking powder

11/2 tsp salt

11/2 cups chocolate chips 

Ganache (frosting)

3/4 cup chocolate chips

1 cup coconut milk

2 tbsp honey

pinch of salt

Before adding the ganache

This chocolate cake is decadent in its simplicity. You can use a 13 by 9 baking pan or two 8 or 9 inch cake pans. Combine the liquids in a mixing bowl and whisk the dry ingredients together before pouring them into the mixing bowl and blending everything together. Add the chocolate chips at the end and pour Into cake pans coated with coconut oil. Bake at 350 degrees, about fifty minutes for the 13 by 9, and thirty-five minutes for the round cakes.

For the ganache, slowly heat up the ingredients over a low fire on the stove top, until the chips melt and turn into the consistency of thick frosting. Allow the cake(s) to thoroughly cool before putting on the ganache.

Almond flour pie crust (Gluten-free)

2 cups almond flour

2 tbsp honey

1/4 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp salt

2 tbsp coconut oil/coconut butter

1 egg

1/4 tsp vanilla or to taste

(350 degrees for about ten minutes)

The chocolate pie below has become a farm favorite, especially for Ben’s birthday celebrations. I start by making an almond flour crust but you can use any crust you want. I combine the ingredients in any order and form a ball with all of the dough. I compress the dough together with my hands so that when I spread it out, the dough sticks together. 

For this crust I left the parchment 
paper under the crust.

I use two pieces of parchment paper, putting flour down on one of them before centering the ball of dough, dusting it with flour and placing the second piece of parchment paper over it. I spread the dough evenly with my fingers, and when I have formed it into a circle I use  a rolling pin to spread the crust out to the desired diameter. 

After rolling it out, you can either leave the paper in and transfer the crust to your pie pan. or you can finagle the crust into the pie pan so that the parchment paper can then be peeled off. One way is to put the pie pan upside down on the parchment paper with the crust, and then flip the whole deal over so that you can peel the paper off. It’s easier to leave the crust on the paper, and transfer it into the pan, but then you have to contend with the paper. Use your fingers to maneuver the crust into place, and poke holes all over in the crust with a fork to prevent air from being trapped. 

Gluten-free, dairy-free chocolate pie

I tsp vanilla

1/2 cup honey

3 tbsp cornstarch

2 tbsp cocoa powder

1/8 tsp salt

3 egg yolks

3 cups coconut milk

2 tbsp coconut butter

1 1/3 cups chocolate chips

This pie does not require baking, once you have your crust in place. I put the chocolate chips and coconut butter in a large mixing bowl, and set it to the side. Everything else I am going to slowly heat up on the stovetop under a low-to-medium flame, beginning with the vanilla, honey, cornstarch, cocoa powder and salt. 

Stirring continuously, I add one-half of a cup of the coconut milk and bring the mixture to the start of boiling before adding another half-cup of milk. Bringing it again close to a boil, I add the rest of the milk slowly and continue to stir. I keep the flame under the pan on the low side and I use a long-handled, wooden spoon because once the mixture starts to boil, it can spit chocolate sauce out at you. This is not a process that you want to rush. Taking it slowly helps eliminate any grainy texture. I even use an immersion blender to make sure it is perfectly smooth, but that is not essential if  you take your time.

After adding the rest of the milk and bringing it to a slow boil, I let it gently boil for one minute, before turning off the flame and pouring the hot mixture over the chocolate chips and coconut butter. I stir until the chips are thoroughly melted and then let it cool for a short while before pouring it into the pie pan. Once it has chilled and set up, it is ready to be served.

Gluten-free, chocolate zucchini muffins

1/2 cup veg oil (I use avocado oil)

2 eggs

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1/2 cup brown sugar

1/2 tbsp vanilla

1 1/2 cups grated zucchini

1 1/2 cups gluten-free flour

1/2 cup cocoa powder

1 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1 1/4 cups chocolate chips

(350 degrees, 25 minutes-makes 12 muffins)

These zucchini muffins are the very same ones I bake and keep stocked up at the HappyDayFarms farm stand. Anyone who wants to cut out the middle man and bake his own muffins, have at it. We’ll be happy to provide the zucchini you need, as it is in season and at the farmers’ markets.

The recipe is super easy. I combine the first six ingredients and mix them thoroughly. I just use a wooden spoon because a mixer seems unnecessary, but do what works best for you. I whisk the dry ingredients together and add them to the mixing bowl, again blending everything together, and adding the chocolate chips at the end, leaving out enough to scatter a few on top of each muffin.

I used to use paper liners but now I just coat the muffin pans with oil and the muffins come out easily once they have cooled.

Gluten-free Zucchini muffins (without chocolate)

350 degrees, 30 minutes

2 eggs

1/2 cup vegetable oil

3/4 cup granulated sugar

1/4 cup brown sugar

1 tsp vanilla

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1 tbsp cinnamon

1 1/2 cups gluten-free flour

1 cup grated zucchini

1/2 cup raisins

Dairy-free pumpkin pie (with almond crust)

3/4 cup honey

1 tbsp gluten-free flour

1/2 tsp salt

1 tsp cinnamon

1 tsp ginger

1/2 tsp nutmeg

1/8 tsp cloves

3 large eggs

2 cups fresh mashed pumpkin or 1 15 oz. can organic pumpkin

1 1/4 cups coconut milk

Bake at 375 degrees for one hour before checking with an icepick for doneness. I have found that using coconut milk instead of dairy increases the time needed to bake. I also use foil to line the exposed crust with so that it does not get cremated.

And if it does? Cut off the burned parts and serve it like the award-winning creation it is. Some of the photos in this blog piece are picture-perfect; others reflect a more realistic appearance. Whereas I strive for perfect presentation, I am equally happy to settle for what will still be a tasty and much appreciated dessert.

For Ben's birthday