In the Darkness
All things come to him or her who waits. We waited interminably for the 6th of September to roll around so that the surgeon who will be operating on Annie, could be consulted. I know precious few of the details, because I was not present for the discussion, and probably could not have assimilated the information successfully anyway, because MSD patients encounter difficulty taking in new information. For me it is particularly hard if I am hearing information for the first time, as opposed to reading it.
I believe there is one tumor that the doctor thinks is confined to one kidney alone. He feels that to remove the one infected kidney is the most effective way to stop forward progress, and will do so early this Monday morning. I do not know whether the tumor is malignant; it does not seem to matter one way or the other at this moment-the kidney has to come out. I do know that when I used to experience stress, say back when I was teaching, I had no idea what kind of stress, real life events could produce.
Now I am experiencing a degree of emotional upheaval, unparalleled in my life’s experiences. I am also six months into therapy to obtain some control over my recently diagnosed mood spectrum disorder. Unfortunately, my coach and mentor is Annie and she is occupied at the moment. What happens to the MSD patient when his coach and mentor needs to be doing something else and cannot guide him? I’m not sure what happens, but I do know the result is unpredictable.
I could not follow through on my determination to be the go-to guy for Annie; that became apparent three days into the process. I could not do the things that I wanted to do, because my foundation and support was gone. Therefore, I struggled, and in doing so, caused those around me to have to contend with my struggles. In the end, it was deemed appropriate that I remain here on the mountain when the journey down to San Francisco was undertaken, to talk to the surgeon at California Pacific Medical Center in San Francisco, where the operation will be performed.
I am sorry that I cannot be there in person for Annie, but I do understand. I am also heartily sorry that there are people who are exasperated with me.
Mental illness is not a crime, but many patients receive a fair portion of negative response. I did not mean to offend or annoy anyone while grappling with my aloneness. When people do not understand the actions of a person with mental issues, the natural inclination is to get annoyed, if not downright angry. I am paying the price for my illness big-time, right now, because I am unable to be with Annie. For that I am grievously sorry, because she is and always has been the light in my world. I am in the darkness without her.
I have a better understanding of my illness, but no better ability to control it when this kind of life issue comes along, than I ever would have, no matter how many sessions of therapy were involved. I would give anything to be able to help Annie right now, and therefore I understand why I am up here on my mountain. I just wish I weren’t.